Conspiracy Theory #158 or why WikiLeaks aren’t real leaks.

We can stop wailing and wringing our hands over the WikiLeaks of sensitive US government information. The leaks of diplomatic cables are clearly a CIA / NSA / DoD “truth in diplomacy” operation (code named: the rest of the world is a bunch of idiots).

Realistically how could a handful of savvy anti-US computer hackers break into and download secret government documents when foreign governments like the Red China, Russian, Iran, Syria, etal. with thousands of hackers at their disposal can’t? Or conversely, if they could they wouldn’t be able to for very long before being discovered and stopped. The top internet security people in the world work for us since we arrested them for hacking. And when the CIA has been whisking suspected terrorists off the streets of Europe and illegally shipping off to Egypt and/or Guantánamo why hasn’t that happened to the Wikileaks people? Or why haven’t they mysteriously disappeared never to return, died from some horrible disease that no one ever gets or simply had a bad accident? Obviously the WikiLeaks people had inside help and encouragement though they are probably unaware of it. It would be simple for the CIA / NSA / FBI / DoD to find an arrogant nutball dupe who hates the US and has some fatal flaw (sexual appetite?) to exploit like Julian Assange. Infiltrate his followers, plant the idea of cracking US computers and spillling the secrets in his head letting him think he thought of it, then let his arrogance take over. Help the cadre of hackers break in, show them where the documents are —all conveniently available—and sit back and watch the downloading begin. In the aftermath, his usefullness over Assange ends up in a Swedish prison where everyone forgets about him. Even if he figures out he was duped no one will care.

Why would the Obama administration allow the release of secret classififed files? Because when President Obama promised transparency he meant TRANSPARENCY! Open the lid on the secrets and let the American people see what’s really happening in the Middle East and elsewhere. When you dig through the documents the US just looks better and better. The leaks reveal that we know most of the world leaders we have to deal with are not world leader material. World leaders like most politicians are at best mentally unstable and at worst are monomaniacal psychopaths.

The leaks also show that the US takes the blame for a lot of stuff we’re not involved in. It turns out the bombings of terrorist camps in Yemen weren’t done by us but by the Yemeni government and they said we did it — with our approval — to take the heat off themselves. It also turns out that all the scary rhetoric about Iran isn’t about the US but the rest of the Middle East. Iran isn’t going to fire nuclear missiles at us (see my earlier blog about this). They want the capability so they can push the Saudis and others around. Even the anti-Israel rhetoric maybe a façade for Iran. The rest of the Middle East is scared and wants the US to drop the hammer on Iran because they are afraid to do it themselves. We don’t have any reason to bomb Iran into the stone age, our allies just expect us to do them another favor or did you really think the Iraq war was about terror attacks on the US? Now that this is out in the open the American taxpayers don’t have to pay for an anti-missile system to defend us from Iran. We can make the Saudis pay for it since they’re the ones who need it. Maybe Israel will help them out with building it too if the Saudis ask real nicely.

Yes there are names of US operatives in the WikiLeaks which Mr. Assange didn’t bother removing. I doubt that any American agents are in fear for their lives because of the leaks. Imagine a lot of people around the world waking up one morning to discover that a third of the folks they’ve been conspiring with are agents of the US. Might make you mess your pants depending upon what you said to them. Many of those folks are realizing that they didn’t sell their soul to whoever they thought they had. I wonder who’s idea this was? Leon Panetta (CIA), General Alexander (NSA) or Robert Gates (DoD)?

Where’s the proof of all this? One: a small group of hackers couldn’t get into sensitive government computers and download that much data without help and without getting very, very dead.

Two: In an attempt to stop the release of the WikiLeaks the State Dept. wrote a stern letter asking them to stop. A stern letter is something your high school principal sent to your parents when you goofed off in class one too many times. Is it at all possible that all the Navy Seal teams, Special Forces snipers, CIA hit-men and black-ops people are busy elsewhere?

Three: President Obama promised transparency. Could things be more transparent than this?

Four: The leaks reveal all the bad names our government call the heads of foreign governments. If we call him a few more bad names maybe Karzai will ask us to please leave Afghanistan immediately, thus getting our troops out ahead of schedule like the President promised. More name calling might solve even more problems.

Five: There was a memo from Secretary of State Clinton to others in the State department to gather info even from casual meetings with foreign government workers. That is ridiclous. The state dept. doesn’t hire nincompoops, its employees know to gather any and all info they can. It’s their job. Every diplomatic worker in the world knows this. Hillary doesn’t need to send out a memo to remind people. It is clearly a plant, something the Obama administration wanted revealed so the American people will know how hard the government is working. The message is “We trust no one and spy on everyone — friend or foe 24/7.”

Six: Revealing the real relationships between the US and the middle east is Obama’s way of saying: “Guys, we took the hit for you on 9-11. Now it’s your turn.” If Saudi Arabia and the other countries want to stop Iran we’ll help them, but they have to step up now and do the heavy lifting.

Seven: The US looks good in all this. It is obvious our foreign policy problems aren’t internal, they are the result of the mentally challenged crazies running the rest of the world.

The sum total result of WikiLeaks makes the US look good and the rest of the world look pathetic. Thank you President Obama for restoring our confidence.